Bring in Christmas tree from boot of car. Go back to close boot. Remove cat from boot.
Set up tree base; fill with water. Stop cat from drinking the water.
Place tree in base; get husband to hold steady while screwing in fixing bolts. Push cat’s nose away from bolts. Cat decides to climb husband’s leg instead. Tell husband to stop jiggling around and moving the tree.
Cut mesh surrounding tree and throw to one side. This distracts cat for 0.0001 seconds.
Tree springs into shape. Cat springs into tree.
Start to rope lights around tree. Cat unropes them faster. Distract cat by throwing a non-breakable bauble across room. Finish arranging lights.
Repeat as above; this time with tinsel.
Start hanging baubles. Continue to distract cat by rolling them. Realise there are 50 baubles all over the living room floor, leaving you with 4 to hang on the tree.
Give cat a scrap of tinsel to play with. Hang remaining baubles. Switch on lights. Step back to admire handiwork.
Get a well-deserved glass of wine from kitchen. Return to find cat in tree. Spend evening playing slightly drunken game of ‘catch the bauble’ as puss chucks them off the branches. Decide it’s quite cute, really. Go to bed.
Get up to find naked tree and highly decorated living room floor. On entering kitchen, find sparkly poops in litter tray.
Decide it’s not too early to start the wine again.
Thanks to Suzie over at Suzie81 Speaks for inspiring this piece, with her post The Cat Owner’s Guide To Wrapping Christmas Presents.
Next week: The Cat Owner’s Guide to Preparing Christmas Dinner… 😉