My blogger friend ‘Silly Mummy’ writes a fantastic regular post called ‘The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said’. Check out her blog at R is for Hoppit. Now everyone knows kids aren’t really my thing, but these posts actually do make me laugh out loud. I love The Toddler’s insights on everything from The Baby’s behaviour to Silly Mummy and Daddy’s foibles. Chatting on Twitter, Silly Mummy and I agreed that I should do a cat version. After all, I am Silly Cat Mummy (you can decide whether the Silly applies to me, the cats, or both). If my cats could speak, I’m sure they would be saying many entertaining things, but since I can’t translate random meows (although I often have a good idea), I’ve gone with things done rather than things said.
1. On baffling all humans, including the vet
Several years ago, Jet, our late lamented black fluffball, came in sneezing and pawing at his nose. Neither ourselves or the vet could find anything up there, and came to the conclusion that maybe something had irritated his nose but was now gone, leaving the irritation. It was only when home from the vet, that hubby spotted something during one of the sneezes. Something shot out of Jet cat’s nose, and then disappeared again. Next sneeze, quick-thinking hubby grabs the thing – a blade of grass! It had been lying flat in the cat’s nasal passage and that’s why nobody could see it. Only Jet could inhale a blade of grass, mad kitty. Needless to say the sneezes cleared up after that.
Jet looking for his next grass fix
2. On faking it
On the subject of ‘illness’, Sam the bonkers Bengal fakes a limp if he’s not getting enough attention. It mysteriously disappears after he’s sat on someone’s knee, had a fuss, and a little snooze. Big phoney.
3. On the elegance of cats – not
Then there’s Arwen, Bengal number two, the most inaccurately named cat in the world. Arwen the elf – graceful and agile, right? Nope. This cat is the clumsiest little miss I’ve ever seen. She frequently jumps for the kitchen worktop, misses, and lands in her water dish. Splash! Cue the looking around that says ‘I meant to do that – ta da!’
4. On shouty meows
She also tells things off if they don’t do what she wants. A spider very ungratefully hid itself under a table leg when she was chasing it the other day. She sat there shouting at the spider for hours. I don’t know whether she was saying ‘Come out, I won’t hurt you!’ ‘Stop being such a spoilsport!’ Or ‘Can I have a moment to talk to you about the Word of Ceiling Cat?’ (See internet memes if you don’t know about Ceiling Cat.)
The washing basket needs to be shouted at. From the inside
5. On thuggy behaviour
It’s no secret that Frodo, our British Shorthair cross, is a little on the chubby side. Sam is also big, although he’s all muscle. The two of them were driving me mad in the kitchen one day, and in a fit of pique I locked the cat flap with them on the outside. Big mistake. The two thugs just nutted it until the door caved in. Frodo then marched through wearing the broken pieces.
Frodo beating up the rug
6. On toileting – where kitty b****y well pleases
Tilly, a little grey tabby also long gone but never forgotten, was also good at showing if she was displeased about something. One time, she peed in my trainers. My very expensive Nike trainers! It wasn’t funny at the time, but I suppose with hindsight…
7. On changing one’s
hair fur colour
Jet was the poster boy for ‘curiosity killed the cat’ (although Arwen is trying to give him a run for his money). In our last house, we had floor boards up while doing some renovations. Of course, Jet disappeared underneath. We tried not to panic and sure enough, he eventually came out by himself. No longer black however, but greyish white – absolutely covered in cobwebs and ‘stoor’ (good Scottish word – look it up). I think he got shoved outside to take a bath in the rain. See number 5 for what probably happened next.
8. On base jumping, kitty-style
When we brought her to live in this house, Sooty, our current black fluffball, had not lived in a house with an upstairs before. I’m not sure whether she fell or jumped the first time, but I turned round one day to see her disappearing out of the first floor bedroom window. Aargh! Of course, being a cat, she landed just fine – and promptly came back upstairs and did it twice more. I think she just couldn’t believe she was so high up. Talk about trying to give her human a heart attack.
Sooty grumping on the ground floor window ledge because it’s too low to base jump from
I’m sure all cat (and other animal) mummies and daddies can relate to these, and add many more. Like toddlers and babies, we love ’em, though. Add your own funny stories in the comments if you wish – and happy parenting to all!